Spring cleaning

From the time that I first started blogging here, I’ve known full well that I’ve got a lot of stuff going on. I always do. Always have. I’m not sure I can help it, and I know I’m not alone in this. That’s one of the reasons that I took some time to decide if I wanted to start a blog or not. Yeah, I know. Some kids today¹ have no problem starting a blog the way I start a grocery list, the electronic equivalent of scribbling on the back of an envelope. I didn’t want to go about this in that way. On the one hand, it’s a journal for me to examine thoughts that are bothering me... pick them up, look them over, and put them into a box with other similar thoughts. It’s also a creative outlet. (If you haven’t done it lately, I’m finding that creation takes a lot of practice. And I haven’t done it much lately.)

But also, it’s a vanity project and – schmarmy as it sounds – a way to present myself to the world. And if I’m not making myself look good, I don’t wanna do it at all. I mean, if my house is a wreck, why would I invite the world in to see it? So in the beginning, I promised myself that I would post something every day. And lately I haven’t done that. Partly that’s because I’m busier at work. Partly it’s because I’m not sure I have anything worth presenting to my audience.

So today, you get to come in and see the whole mess. All the stacks of all the things that I’m trying to tend to. Maybe I’ll decide to chuck some of the stacks... but that’s going to make me feel like I’ve abandoned a project, which makes me feel like a failure², which is gonna bring up self-esteem issues. Or maybe I just need to decide what my goals are (i.e., how far I want to push each project) so that I can check each one off my list.

OK, enough blocking the door. It’s time to let the neighbors in.

Weight Loss: I’ve lost about 33 lbs since the beginning of October, and according to Weight Watchers, I’ve got about 20 more to go. If I can do that, I’ll become a lifetime member. I joined WW as a teenager and was thoroughly disgusted with the goal they assigned me then, and I gave up. (See failure.) I thought their adult goal was a little low too, but it’s been going very well, so I’m going to keep trying. I’ve had a pot belly literally all of my life, and I want to know what it’s like not to have one. This morning I realized that I don’t have near the muffin-top I used to have. I'm also taking a lot more pride in my appearance, my physical presentation to the world. I should be able to clear this stack within the next two months, and then I’ll be very, very happy. I will not to give up on this one.

Working Out: While I’d like to get to my target weight, I’d also like to achieve some semblance of a muscular body. My kid brother³, who was always skinny as a child, popped up a few years ago with a really beefy body, and I’ve been jealous ever since. I don’t necessarily want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I’d like to turn an occasional head. I’ve got a Bowflex at home, and I’ve got a decent workout that doesn’t consume too much time. I’ve actually built up muscles before, but they were always covered by fat. This goal is also very attainable, so I’m not giving up on it either.

Languages: The language I've always most wanted to learn was German; however, my high school only offered French and Spanish courses. Of those, I decided I’d rather speak French. My college offered German, but I took the course of least resistance and re-covered all the French I took in high school again in college. Several years ago, I decided to study German on my own, and I worked at it off and on for years. Last year, hubby & I took a group tour of eastern Germany, and I mostly didn’t embarrass myself. That was my primary goal. Yay, me!

The same group is planning a tour to France next year, and I’d also like not to embarrass myself there. But there are a few problems:

• I forgot most of the French I learned in school.
• German makes sense to me. French really doesn’t.
• I’ve been studying pretty hard for a few months now, and French is still not quite natural for my tongue or my ears. I find it easier to comprehend a spoken German conversation that a spoken French conversation.
• Besides, my friend Rob is studying German and making great headway. He’s outpacing me pretty quickly.

I’d like to be able to hold a decent conversation with a native German and not feel the need to apologize for my accent. Honestly, I’d like to be able to list German on my resume and maybe get the chance to travel there occasionally. I’d like the same thing for French, but if I had to choose one, German wins. And I’m not even sure that French is second anymore. In fact, I can see me happily going along, collecting languages for the rest of my life. I’m tempted to revert back to studying German, but I don’t want to abandon the French again. I’ll let you know how this one plays out.

Guitar: Hubby gave me a six-string acoustic for Christmas several years ago, even though he really doesn’t like guitars.⁴ I’ve never gotten good at playing it. He says he didn’t expect me to make as much progress as I’ve made, and I really appreciate the sentiment, but it’s not enough for me. I’m not confident enough to play in front of anyone. So on Sunday, I acquired a music stand (which has been a huge obstacle to setting up any music in front of me), and I started from the beginning of Adam Kadmon’s Guitar Grimoire. I’m planning to set aside a few minutes each day to practice. Eventually I’d like to play this beast in public, but as long as I can see incremental progress for now, I’ll be happy.

Piano: We bought a baby grand Yamaha several years ago, and I haven’t played it nearly enough. I used to play for high school choirs, church choirs, weddings, receptions... and it’s all fallen by the wayside. I don’t necessarily want to accompany anyone or play for events, but I’d like to play again for my own enjoyment. This one’s a back-burner goal.

Recording: Several years ago, I assembled a small studio in my home, and I’d like to be able to make and sell my own music. It would be great to do this full-time, but I don’t have any delusions. It will probably always be a hobby that maybe makes me a little money on the side. Trouble is, I’m scared to death of failure... of producing something awful and being laughed at. I’ve got a few pieces underway and some of them will probably pan out, but I can’t bring myself to finish them. My latest excuse is that my headphones are a little too bass-heavy, and of course that skews my perception, so I need to get some good monitor speakers. Trouble is, it’s hard to create if you don’t have an audience. I recently uncovered a website that allows musicians to post songs and offer feedback to each other. I’ve even found a couple of local musicians that I’d like to approach about collaborating, but I’m not going to do it until I have something of my own to show them. I’d love a collaborator, but I need to prove myself to myself first. Back to the trenches. At least I now have a near-term goal and a reason to finish some of those songs.

On top of all that, hubby’s painting a car (which he can mostly do without help from me, thank goodness), and we’re trying to keep his office running while he hires an office manager. I spent a couple of hours there last night filing because there’s simply nobody else around to do it. And my Triumph needs brake lights, and two other cars just need to be assembled, and we haven’t done any renovation work to the house in a couple of years.

So that’s why I was wary of starting a blog, and it’s also why you haven’t heard from me in a few days. I don’t want to undertake any more projects, but I also don’t want to abandon any of these. I want to be able to say that I finished them, or at least most of them. And now that I’ve got a goal for each of them, maybe I can.

¹Get off my lawn!
²Well, that’s a strong word, but you get my drift.
³He hates it when I call him that.
⁴That’s an understatement, and there are actually business reasons why he doesn’t like them. He's really not that much of a curmudgeon. Most days.