Good help is hard to find

See that piece of furniture? It’s called a secretary. It’s got a smaller footprint than a bookcase and usually consists of a display area up top, drawers down below, and a fold-down shelf that’s used for writing letters, paying bills, and all that happy crap. I know they exist because my mom has one. Plus, here’s a photo of the creature in its natural habitat, so you know I’m not just making this up.

Hubby and I have decided we want one, and we’d sort of like to acquire it this week. So, thinking that this shouldn’t be a problem in a town like Atlanta, we set out last night in our one-horse open sleigh driving from furniture store to furniture store. Behold the sorry state of retail in metro Atlanta:

Pottery Barn and Bombay Company: no luck. That doesn’t really surprise me though. But we started there mainly because they were close to the house.

Bassett Furniture Direct: nothing in stock. They can order one, but it will take about 45 days to deliver, and we’d be buying it sight-unseen. But the saleslady agreed that they’re wonderful pieces, very useful and attractive, and she likes them as much as we do. Exactly. So why don’t you carry them?

Ethan Allen, Thomasville, Destination Home: all closed at 6:00. On a Monday evening during the Christmas season. It looks like they all pick a different night of the week to be open late, and by late I mean until 9:00.

Haverty’s: two in stock. Neither had a display case, and both looked like bedroom chests when they were closed up. One was adorned with a hand-painted imperial red finish in the chinoiserie tradition. Un-huh. The saleslady said, “Oh, you’re probably looking for secretaries like we remember when we were kids.” Exactly. So why don’t you carry them?

Macy’s Furniture Store – used to be Rich’s in recent memory: Salesman says, “Nope, we don’t have any secretaries, unless you count Carol, but she got off at 5:00.” He says Macy’s doesn’t think anybody buys traditional furniture anymore, so they don’t carry it. (Would that explain why most of your furniture looks like it would dissolve in water?) He also says a former manager once claimed that furniture was non-regional (meaning that styles are identical no matter where you’re located) and non-promotional (meaning people don’t buy furniture on sale). Well, at least that sorta explains why you don’t carry them.

So at this point, I wish I had a punchline for you. I wish I could say we found it at Kmart or something, or that we decided to make one out of five-gallon buckets and scrap lumber. But instead we drove around WAY too long and found exactly nothing but a lot of frustrated salesfolk. Actually, the bucket-and-scrap-lumber model is starting to sound pretty good.